Dead Therapeutic

by Stuyvesant

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about

Dead Therapeutic is the debut EP by newcomer Stuyvesant. Within, he explores themes of mental health; particularly Anxiety, Depression and Adult ADHD. The Demo also talks of awakening and enlightenment through suffering.

The four tracks were written and performed during and surrounding a genuine mental health breakdown during which Stuyvesant was diagnosed with a Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Moderate Depression and ultimately hospitalised with Psychosis.

But through it all, Stuyvesant woke to the world around him and saw it for the first time and turned to hip-hop to deliver his new message of love, compassion and balance in all things...

credits

released June 15, 2017

Mixed & Mastered by Stuart W. Bedford

All beats produced by The Passion Hi-Fi.
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about

Stuyvesant Liverpool, UK

Stuyvesant - a.k.a Stuart W. Bedford - is an emerging Hip-Hop artist and filmmaker based in Liverpool, UK.

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Track Name: Chupacabra (Bad Juju)
Verse 1:
A little crack in the mind;
A little too many ties to bind me to a generalised fear of oblivion.
A feeling that the ground’s about to open up and swallow me in.
A cold finger from the stomach to the cleft of the chin.
I’m keeping it in;
This feeling that I’m living in sin.
The vague notion there’s a Gremlin that’s been wearing my skin;
And telling me things;
And spreading it’s wings;
And growing ever exponentially,
Infecting with the poison it sings.
And all my passion turns sour;
I never had a minute that didn’t feel like it lasted an hour.
I’m clenching my jaw;
I wish I could talk;
But the only thing that I can think is if I speak I’ll hurt the ones I adore.
And when I do speak damage gets done.
Despite the intention the things I mention come with aggressive inflection;
And every sentence an etching;
Every relationship stretching;
Until it just won’t stretch no more.

Hook x 2:

Every day is the same: the fear and loathing and shame;
Another desperate attempt to take control of my brain.
And try to refrain from saying something fucking insane.
When I fail, I try it again.

Verse 2:

Well I woke up feeling fine;
But with this Gremlin of mine;
Something somebody said in jest was a critique in my eyes.
So now I’m scanning the horizon for lies;
When in the back of my mind I know there’s nothing to find.
But that don’t mean that I can let it go;
That don’t mean that I can ever fucking let it go.
No, I’ll be searching for the meaning of the thing you said three days ago.
Until you give me the apology you didn’t know you owed.
And I’m tired of being like this;
Always standing on the precipice and staring out into the abyss;
With the abyss staring back at me;
Willing me to attack and be;
Everything I don’t want to be;
self-fulfilling its prophecy.
‘Cause I know that eventually everybody leaves.
And just the knowledge makes it difficult to breathe.
So if I cast the first stone;
And push until I’m alone;
I can alleviate the feeling that I need to atone.

Hook x 2

Every day is the same: the fear and loathing and shame;
Another desperate attempt to take control of my brain.
And try to refrain from saying something fucking insane.
When I fail, I try it again.

Verse 3:

Can’t shake the feeling that I need to weep;
The feeling comfort only comes with either death or sleep;
And joy’s an ever-fleeting feeling I can never keep;
And satisfaction is a seed that I can never reap.
This repetition is an ever repeating pattern;
Of ever repeating matters;
And ever-repeatingly scattered thoughts and attention;
That matter little to others but take control of my life;
I’m living day to day;
I’m walking on the edge of a knife, it’s like…

Hook x 3.
Track Name: Brutus
Brutus:
Your insecurity obliges you to listen to me.
The things that you see;
I see them too but differently.
My thoughts are maligned;
Innately ominously inclined;
I’m programmed to blind with negativity I never fail to find.

Stu:
But what if I just want to cast you aside?

Brutus:
Don’t make me laugh,
You can’t do that,
Cause I’m ingrained in your mind.
Personifying me just isn’t gonna alter the truth;
No, you’re compelled into listening,
For the simple reason that “I” am you.

Stu:
You’ve been an ally but you’re out of control.
You’re digging a hole,
And I’m the one that’s gotta climb out and atone.
‘Cause see I carry you wherever I go,
You’ve never walked on your own.
I have to shoulder your baggage alone.

Brutus:
That’s just the way that the relationship works;
I picture the worst;
Then whisper to you all of my irks;
The danger that lurks;
The things that’ll hurt;
Until you’re left with the feeling you’d be better if you were under the dirt.

Stu:
Why can’t we bury the hatchet and just reconcile?

Brutus:
‘Cause you want alkaline and I’m an acidophile.

Stu:
Can’t you just let me take the reins every once in a wh…

Brutus:
Gimme a break, and just consider what I bring to the pile.
You’d lead us, blindly and willing, into trouble or worse,
You’d fall to pieces and I’d have to interject and repair,
All the emotional damage I could have easily swerved.

Stu:
But what could possibly happen?

Brutus:
Well, you just sit and observe:
Look at your woman.

Stu:
Yeah I see her.

Brutus:
Ain’t she simply divine?

Stu:
She’s my single greatest influence; I’m lucky she’s mine.

Brutus:
But can’t you see the look of boredom that she’s got in her eye?
There’s every chance that your connection’s in rapid decline.

Stu:
No…

Brutus:
What if the feelings that she had for you are starting to die?

Stu:
Don’t want to believe it.

Brutus:
But you admit that it’s hard to deny?

Stu:
Just tell me how to end this fucking wretched communique.

Brutus:
Cause a fight; the best defence is simply her away.
My name is Brutus I’m the pit in the stomach that you can never fill.
I am what you were denied; I am your bitter pill.
You’re gonna swallow cause the taste of me is making you ill.
You’ll get addicted cause I’ll numb all your feelings to nil…

Stu:
My name is Stuart, I’m the voice in the vessel that you can never kill.
I am what you’ll be supplied with if you start to fill;
With Love instead of the venom that Brutus finds until.
You swallow on your pill; he’s right it makes you ill.
Your insecurity obliges you to listen to thee.
The things you see, I see them true so you must listen to me.
He’ll tell you everyone is climbing in his tree.

Brutus:
He’s talking shit again, can’t…

Stu:
Shut the fuck up, he’s talking to me.
You need to know that I am you and he’s a devil seed.

Brutus:
Don’t fucking tell him that!

Stu:
Why, cause he’ll start to see?
You need to know for once that you’re the only one that you need.
Everything else is greed; a selfish fucking bleed.
You’re not that kind of breed; don’t grow that kind of seed.
Cause you’re the only one that attitude will fucking impede.
It’s time to take a stand; to gain the upper hand.
To know the only thing you need to do is start to withstand;
His little tantrums, and his little withered, waivering hands;
That try to guide you with fear of everything in the land.

Brutus:
So much could possibly hurt us; we need this glowing brand.

Stu:
No you just listen and fucking understand.
Look at your woman.

Brutus:
Don’t let him see her...

Stu:
Ain’t she simply divine?
She loves the bones of you, kid, and your connection’s fine.
Yeah, there’s damage but you only ever toed to the line.

Brutus:
You’d better stop it now, this fucking vessel is mine!

Stu:
It was just me and him before we ever came to a trine.
And now I’m taking him back, I’m showing him a sign.
Follow the Bluebells kid, they’ll take you back to a time.
You had the love you’ve been so desperately trying to find.

Brutus:
No, no…. RRRRAAAWR!

Stu:
Oh yes. Fuck you, Brutus…
Track Name: The Persistent Transition of Being
HOOK:
When Darwin theorised survival of the fittest,
He never meant the strongest, smartest or the quickest.
He saw that life is ever flipping the page,
And the survivors are the creatures most adaptive to change.
‘Cause things are never gonna stay the same.
Time’s a fickle beast that we can never tame.
All we can ever do is ride the bullet train.
‘Til it brings us to the end of the line.

VERSE 1:
As a kid I landed awkward on the tracks I was hurled,
I just never fell in synch with the rest of the world.
I was a different breed, with intricate needs,
And even my creed found me to be in a language they could never read.
So I wrestled with things I didn’t understand.
Fear and loathing and shame, but on the other hand:
I had this way with my words, an overwhelming desire to be heard,
It’s a fire that still burns.
A hyper kid that just couldn’t be still:
It didn’t matter the amount that they fed to me I wouldn’t fill;
No matter how much they soothed me I could never chill;
As life administered pill after bitter pill.
And just like Sisyphus in many ways,
Resigned to spending my remaining days,
Pushing a stone up a hill until my muscles blaze,
Just to cave as it rolls back down again.

HOOK

VERSE 2:
As a student I was wasted on the lessons that I learned;
I just never had the patience for the facts that were churned.
I wasn’t easy to reach and harder to teach;
And came with a mind set on default to defiance that they could never breach.
While they were battling me, they didn’t understand;
Though I was struggling then, I hadn’t played my hand.
I saw a path was beyond, I never heeded their guidance, it was wrong;
Raised a riot, never played along.
But Neitschze said it and he said it well;
That when you split from the tribe, you’re alone and you’re an infidel.
The path you walk is unknown and it can be a cell.
The weight of holding your own can drag you down to hell.
No guarantees of ever finding wealth;
There’s constant pressure on your mental health.
But here’s the thing that shadows everything else:
I’d pay anything for the privilege of owning myself.

HOOK

Verse 3:
Now as a patient I was gracious, left my fear at the gate.
Just wanted peace for a change and found this empathy state.
I never stuck to the straights and struggled to wait.
Troublesome traits that brought me endless blockades to circumnavigate.
But now I walk through the world, the forces on my track.
A current floating me on, blockages at my back.
I found the path to beyond,
Now I deliver it's lessons in a song.
Never messing, with truth you can't be wrong.
So here's the thing you need to go and learn.
That when you cherish yourself, you're divine, you can suddenly spurn;
All the injustice that spills out of the devil's urn.
No longer fearing the sight of the point of no return.
No guarantees of ever finding fame.
But fame and happiness are not the same.
Pursuit of riches will just kick up the shame.
"I want them all to be happy" and that's what you will proclaim.

HOOK
Track Name: Shaumbra (Good Juju)
(Shaumbra: The name used for a group of humans going through the awakening process).

1.
You want to feel but you’ve been taught.
You wanted freedom but you’ve been bought.
You’re now suddenly realising you’ve been living a lie.
Now let that galvanize and spark a wicked glint in your eye.
Cause you should be fucking incensed;
You’ve been a cog in a wheel;
You’ve been a part of the deal;
You’ve felt what you’ve been expected to feel.
“Buy this, get bigger, go better, just do it (and buy it; it’ll make everything better)”.
It won’t make anything better, you’re just a number, a letter.
Just a barcode; a spirit imprisoned by a creditor.
What did you really get?
A shackle wrapped ‘round your neck.
A tethering to the deck.
A balance too low to check.
You’re bejewelled, and in a way you’ve let yourself become ruled.
And the truth? You’ve been completely incepted and then fooled.
You don’t want half of the shit that they’re telling you that you need.
Let ‘em feed.
In the moment you disengage, you’ll find that you’re freed;
From the fear, the obligation, the need.
And the guilt; they’re the weapons they us to make you concede.
You won’t be part of their breed; another pestilent seed;
They’re growing profits from greed, writing misery up in warranties.

HOOK:
Shaumbra; you are the one, yeah.
Though they come at you with a label.
They just can’t ever stick it on ya.
No they will never stick it to ya.
While you reveal to them the truth, yeah.
You are beyond them.
You are the Shaumbra.

2.
Now what comes next is so much greater than what came before.
You’ll wanna scream it from towers but here’s what I implore.
Just keep it under a lid until you figure the score.
It’s not as cut and as dried as it should be; no, it’s a hidden war.
You’ll find the things that you loved just don’t make sense no more.
And all the things you found useless you’ll suddenly adore.
All those disasters and tragedies you ignored before.
Just all the pain you observe, you’ll suddenly abhor.
And you’ll observe it wherever you go.
You’ll wanna fix it and heal it but they can never know.
That though intentions are pure, you’ll strike a fucking blow.
Cause how can none of them see, you fucking reap what you sow?
It’s just maths.
See, every action has an equal and opposite.
Give out venom; it comes back with a vengeance to pile on top of it.
That remark that you make; just be sure to commit.
Cause whatever the charge; what’s coming back will befit.
Act with Love despite the charge of the opposite.
Give out peaceful intent; you’ll be gifted with it.
Give out a compliment; God is complicit.
So give a hug just cause they looked like they needed it.
So give a fuck because they look like they’re worth a shit.
Cause they’re brothers and sisters, and their worth is set.
Not at 20, or 150 but a hundred percent.
If you feel otherwise, you’re lying to yourself.

HOOK:
Shaumbra; we are the ones, yeah.
Though they come at you with a label.
They just can’t ever stick it on ya.
No they will never stick it to ya.
While we reveal to them the truth yeah.
We are among them.
We are the Shaumbra.